


5 Times The Avengers Were Mostly Useless and 1 Time Steve Actually Got Something Done

by Baccatapages



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Adorable Bucky Barnes, Adorable Steve Rogers, Crack, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Friends storylines, Grumpy Logan, Hyacinthe Macaws, Supernatural crossover (kinda), pregancy/childbirth non graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 02:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18842257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baccatapages/pseuds/Baccatapages
Summary: 5 Times The Avengers Were Mostly Useless and 1 Time Steve Actually Got Something Doneaka5 times you were the most responsible person in the room and 1 time Dean Winchester made a cameo





	5 Times The Avengers Were Mostly Useless and 1 Time Steve Actually Got Something Done

**Author's Note:**

> Some rude language, swearing etc  
> Friends episodes, guess which ones? :)

1.

Clint winced as he accidentally knocked over some mugs stacked by the sink. Once they finally stopped rattling, he turned to the cupboard with the pots and pans. Clint took a medium-sized one and accidentally brought the whole contents of the cupboard with him. He stacked them back in haphazardly and put the frying pan on the stove.

Before long, the bacon was well under way. Clint had just put the bread in the toaster when someone cleared their throat behind him.

“Hello person who does not live here.”

Clint turned and saw you looking sleep-ruffled and very unamused. “Hey bestie.” He chirped.

“You only call me your bestie when you want to eat my food.” You grumbled, sitting down at the breakfast bar. “And use my stove.”

Clint pouted. “Aw, come on, don’t be like that.”

“So you won’t mind if I tell Natasha that you’re here cooking bacon-“

“No don’t!” Clint yelped. “She’ll castrate me if you do!”

“At least you won’t have to swear off bacon again.” You smirked. Natasha was three months pregnant and at the height of her pregnancy cravings, as well as her sensitivity to certain food. Bacon being one of them. Clint, being the oh-so-loving-husband promised not to eat bacon for as long as she couldn’t. Natasha was very serious about promises and you knew that Clint would have hell to pay if she found out. Hence why he came over and made bacon in your home, even though you were vegetarian.

“Someone’s grumpy this morning.” Clint noted as he poured you a cup of tea.

“You would be too if some arse-munch came banging around your flat at the arse-crack of dawn.” You nodded to the clock where the hour hand was firmly pointed to three in the morning. You yawned and laid your head down on your crossed arms, fully intending to get some shut eye when the door banged open again.

“Y/n? Do you know if I left my running shoes here?” Sam Wilson asked, barging into your flat.

“Don’t know, don’t care.” You mumbled into your arms.

“C’mon, Y/n, I can’t let Leftie beat me again!” Sam whined.

“Leftie always beats you. What’s the point in trying?”

“Because I have to, okay? I-“ Sam frowned at Clint. “Are you cooking bacon?” Clint just shrugged while chewing his big bite from his bacon sandwich.

You sighed and propped your head up on your hand. “Where did you see them last?”

“I thought they were in my gym bag.” Sam huffed, running around your open-plan flat.

You squinted at him. “The gym bag.”

“Yes, my gym bag!”

“The gym bag… the gym bag you keep at the gym?”

“I’ve looked in my locker there, it’s not there!” Sam called from where he was rifling through your utility room.

“Sam, don’t you always complain that the lockers there smell of feet so you keep your gym bag behind that potted plant at reception where no one checks?”

The rustling sounds stopped. There was a curse and Sam came tearing out from the utility room. He gulped down your tea and trotted off, calling back, “Thanks Y/n!”

“Clean this up before you go.” You mumbled, stretching and yawning.

Clint nodded and gave a thumbs up. You sighed and went back to your room, hoping you could get another few hours before work. Just as you closed the door to your bedroom, the fire alarm went off.

Fucking great.

 

“I swear, one of these days, you’re going to run yourself ragged.” Pepper frowned disapprovingly.

You raised an eyebrow, the dark bags under your eyes prominent. “Really, Pepper? I didn’t think that would ever happen to someone like me.”

“You’re a workaholic.” Pepper pointed out.

“So are you.”

“But I have a work-life balance.” Pepper sipped her iced tea. She grimaced at the thought of Killian, her ex boyfriend. “You do not. Clint and Sam just use your home like theirs and keep you up all night.”

“That only happened once.” You defended. “It was a Friday night, I didn’t have work the next day.”

“You got into a mead drinking contest with Thor.” Pepper scowled.

“But I won.” You did have a scarily high metabolism when it came to alcohol, enough that you could even drink Thor under the table.

“That’s not the point! You put Thor in hospital!”

“It’s not my fault he decided to dance on the bar singing karaoke.” You polished off your chai tea. “Okay, Pepper, how about this. I find you a date, you find me a date and then we go on a double date. It’ll get me out of the house, it’ll get your mind off Killian. What do you say?”

“Miss Howlett, you have yourself a deal.”

 

Tony sighed when he heard the doors to his lab open. “JARVIS? I thought I said no one was to come in while I was working.”

“I’m afraid you only specified colleagues and Miss Howlett is not a colleague.” The AI replied.

A hand dragged the skateboard Tony was lying on under the contraption out from under the machine. You grinned down at him and waved a bag of takeout from that schwarma place he adored. “C’mon, Tony, I wanna talk.”

Tony rolled his eyes fondly and stood up, perching himself on one of his worktops while you pulled up a stool. “So what do you want?” He asked, taking a big bite of schwarma.

“I have a friend.” You began.

“Only one? Even I have more friends than you. I have about three friends overall, not including JARVIS, my best friend.”

“Thank you, sir.”

You glared. “Her name’s Pepper, she’s really nice, really pretty, really sensible.”

“She sounds boring.”

“Just give her a chance.” You urged. “And she’s not a gold digger.”

Tony perked up at that. He hated gold diggers about as much as you hated early mornings which was, to say, a lot. “Fine, I’ll give it a go. Tell me about her.”

 

That night, you and Pepper were marathoning Supernatural when The Mystery Spot ended. “Oh, I just remembered.” You righted yourself on the sofa, licking your spoon clean of ice cream. “I’ve got you your date.”

Pepper choked, coughing on her ice cream. “My what?”

“Your date.” You repeated. “You know, the one I said I’d arrange for you. I was thinking we could go to the sweet Chinese restaurant about a mile away.”

Pepper hummed, sipping her water. “So what’s my date like?”

“Well, his name’s Tony, he’s a scientist. A bit of a joker and a bit cocky but he’s got a heart of gold.” You grinned. “So what’s mine like?”

“Uh, well, his name’s… Rick. He’s very… attractive.” Pepper said lamely. She knew very well that you preferred your relationships to be based on more than just appearance. “But he’s very nice and funny.”

 

Pepper chose the busied Starbucks she could find and in desperation, shouted ‘RICK?’

“Yeah?” She turned to see some guy sat at one of the tables and looked him over. He had short brown hair and was quite attractive.

“Your name’s Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh thank goodness.” She plopped herself down at his table.

 

You were this close to walking out of the restaurant. You hook Pepper up with a fucking billionaire and she gets you an asshole with unresolved childhood issues?

Sure, Rick Smith ‘Call me Rick’ was good looking but from the moment you met him, you wanted to punch him in his perfect teeth. He was trying to play footsie under the table which you most certainly did not appreciate.

After he finished bragging about his fitness work and his sport achievements, Rick burped after finishing his beer. “So, Queen Victoria, what do you do?”

You gritted your teeth at him mocking your Queen’s English accent, glancing over to where Pepper and Tony were chatting animatedly with each other, laughing and having a ball of a time. “I work in Cliodynamics. It’s a transdisciplinary area of research at the intersection of historical macrosociology, economic history/cliometrics, mathematical modelling of long-term social processes, and the construction and analysis of historical databases.”

Rick blinked. “Uh, right, so do you do anything for, like, fun? Cause that sounds kinda boring.”

“I’ll have you know my work is fascinating to the educated.” You huffed as the waiter came by and served your food.

Rick smiled sweetly. “You know, you’re really hot. Maybe you should just focus on eating rather than talking.”

“Do you even have a job? Because all you seem to talk about is working out.”

“Of course I have a job and it’s more interesting than yours.” Rick scoffed. “Now eat your food.”

You glanced down at your plate. “This isn’t what I ordered.”

“How do you know?”

“Because this is evidently chicken and I’m a vegetarian.” You retorted. “Why would I order chicken wings?”

Rick rolled his eyes. “Oh please, just be grateful? I changed your order for you.”

You narrowed your eyes. “How do you even know Pepper? She wouldn’t dare ally herself with someone like you.”

“What? The broad over there?” Rick nodded to Pepper. “I only met her yesterday. Came into Starbucks and asked me to be your blind date.”

“That explains it.” You muttered.

Rick scowled. “What’s that supposed to mean? Your uptight bitch of a friend wouldn’t be friends with a stud like me?”

“My, as you so eloquently put it, bitch of a friend, rakes in six figures every year. She ensures ten different companies work smoothly and their employees get everything they deserve and more. She volunteers at children’s hospitals every other week and donates to about fifty different charities. She has started many charities and campaigns to help the less fortunate. She’s a poised, sophisticated lady who doesn’t have the pleasure of being an arse to people like you.” You placed your napkin on the table. “But I do.”

You’d barely gotten out of your seat when Rick was gripping your arm tightly. “You bitch, you have no right to speak to me like that. You’re a desperate whore who needs her frigid bitch of a friend to set her up because she’s too half-assed to do it herself.”

“That’s no way to talk to a lady.” A voice drawled. You glanced over to see a very handsome man, with blond hair and blue eyes with the most extreme waist to hip ratio you’d ever seen.

“Who are you? The chivalry police?” Rick sneered. He shook your arm roughly.

“Let the lady go before someone gets hurt.” The blond urged. “Specifically you.”

“Try it, pal.” Rick snorted.

 

“Miss Howlett, are you aware of the damage you caused Mr Smith?” Detective Morris asked.

You pursed your lip. “I didn’t think I hurt him too badly.”

“You threw him through a window.” Pepper muttered.

“Mr Smith has three teeth missing, four cracked, a broken collar bone, a dislocated shoulder, a broken right arm and broken left hand, a splintered pelvis, a snapped Achilles tendon and multiple hairline fractures on his legs.” Detective Morris rattled off.

“Whoops.”

“Luckily for you, you will not be prosecuted. There are too many witnesses testifying your innocence.” Detective Morris said. “He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”

You burst out laughing.

Detective Morris scowled.

 

“Y/n?”

You were just walking away from the interrogation room when you heard your name being called. It was the blond man from the restaurant. He walked up to you as Pepper went ahead to talk to Tony. “Can I help you?”

“I’m Captain Rogers.” He said. “Steve Rogers.”

“You were in the restaurant.” You nodded.

“I just wanted to see whether you were alright.” Steve said. “And, uh, give you my number in case you need anything.” He held out a business card.

You took it, scanning over the details. “So… if I have a problem, I could ask you to help me?”

Steve huffed a laugh. “Yes, yes you could. I wrote my personal number on the back.”

You smiled at him. “Captain Rogers, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”

 

2.

“Okay, what’s wrong? You look like someone just kicked your puppy. Repeatedly.” Tony said as he sat down next to where Steve was pouting on the sofa watching Friends reruns.

“I think Y/n is cheating on me.” The supersoldier sighed.

Tony’s eyebrows shot up. “What makes you think that?”

“She just doesn’t seem satisfied.” Steve said. “Or happy.”

“Well, has she been upset recently?” Tony asked.

“Uh, she gets kinda grumpy for a bit every month?” Steve offered.

“That’s not- that doesn’t count.” The billionaire sighed. “I’ll talk to her, okay?”

“Really?”

“Of course. What are friends for?”

 

Tony considered you to be the most dangerous person he knew. Not because of how many people you’d killed and whatnot, but because you had the mind of a hard-boiled detective, the body of an extreme sports athlete and the nerves of a cowboy gunslinger at High Noon. The magic pumping through your veins made you even more deadly, paired with you combat skills you were lethal. Most of the time you were quiet, polite and well-spoken but filled with a fiery determination. You had confidence and skills of command which made you such an inspiring person.

And infidelity really didn’t seem your style. Tony noticed you always got a bit sniffy whenever you heard about someone cheating on someone else. He highly doubted you would stoop to that level. Still, he had to take Steve’s opinion into account and gently probe you for whatever might be plaguing your relationship.

“Hey, Y/n, what you reading?”

You didn’t look up from her book. “The Iliad.”

“Oh… what’s it about?”

“The Trojan War.” You said.

“Is it good?”

“It’s quite unique, written in dactylic hexameter.” You shrugged. “Was there something I could help you with or are you going to stand there and watch me read?”

Tony sat down next to you and sighed. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“No.”

“Can I ask you anyway?”

“…Fine.”

 “What’s going on with you and Steve?”

You raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean. We’re in a relationship. We have been for quite some time.”

“Yeah, I got that. I just, ah, Steve thinks you might be a bit dissatisfied.” Tony shrugged. “Maybe a bit unhappy?”

“It depends on what you count as dissatisfied.”

“Well, when’s the last time you had sex?”

You hummed. “Well, two weeks-“

“That’s not bad?”

“Would be five months-“

“Oh.”

“Since I stopped trying.”

“Ah, right, I wouldn’t blame you if you were dissatisfied.” Tony nodded.

You simply shrugged. “He’s actually quite a generous lover. I’d definitely rate him a six.”

Tony winced. Six? Not exactly top-notch, then. “He thinks you may be sleeping with someone else?” Tony could feel the poisonous glare as those words fell out of his mouth.

“You think I would stoop so low as to cheat on my partner?”

“Of course not-!”

“My partner who I am very much in love with?”

“Of course not-!”

“Good. You can tell Steve he has nothing to worry about.”

With that, you stormed out of the communal room.

 

“Hey Tony.”

Tony choked on his coffee in shock. He hadn’t heard Steve coming, probably because he hadn’t slept in twenty nine hours. “Capsicle, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“What did you say to Y/n? She’s been a bit short with me all day.” Steve frowned.

“I just asked her if she felt dissatisfied and she said maybe probably and then she started getting ratty with me.” Tony shrugged.

“She’s dissatisfied?” Tony turned in time to see Steve’s expression crumple. “What did she say?”

“She didn’t say you were a bad lover.” Tony assured. “She said you were a solid six.”

“Six? That’s not bad, is it?”

“Of course not! Six out of ten is not bad.”

Steve groaned and put his face in his hands.

“Come on, it’s not that bad. Maybe just spice things up a little?” Tony offered. “Girls like surprises.”

“Surprises? Okay, I can do surprises.” Steve looked thoughtful.

 

“Steve, why is there a parrot in a cage on my coffee table?”

You’d just returned from a long day at work and had come home to find a large ass cage on your coffee table with a blue baby parrot inside it. Said parrot was munching on a red chili and pooping simultaneously. Steve was sat on the sofa, reading one of your magazines when you came back.

Steve closed the magazine and grinned. “Do you like it?”

You struggled to find words. “Uh, yeah, it’s great. Why-why-did I forget our anniversary, or something? Perhaps a significant date?”

“What? No. I just thought I’d surprise you.” Steve smiled dorkily. “You’ve been a bit down lately and I was wondering if it was because you wanted some company while I’m on missions.” Okay, that wasn’t the reason you’d been down but it was sweet he thought so.

“Thank you, Steve.” You sat down next to him and snuggled up with him, watching the young parrot. “What’s he called?”

“How do you know it’s a he?”

“Male Hyacinth Macaws are slightly more bulky than females.” You said. “I’ve read some books.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“It’s been mentioned.”

Steve hummed and kissed the side of your head. “Are you really dissatisfied?”

“Ugh, we’re back on this again?”

“Y/n.”

“Fine.” You sighed. “I just… I just don’t think you’re enjoying sex so much.”

“I enjoy it.” Steve defended.

You raised an eyebrow.

“Really, I do.”

“For all your title of Captain I feel like you don’t like taking charge in the bedroom. Am I right?”

Steve blushed deeply. “Well, I-I try-“

“Steve. Why didn’t you just say so?” You grinned. “Honey, I’m going to rock your world.”

 

3.

“Clint, I swear to God you get your arse here or Natasha is going to throw you into next Sunday.” You growled into your phone, trying to speak over Natasha’s yells and groans of pain. “And I’ll help.”

“What’s going on?” Clint asked, shouting over the noise of gunfire.

Natasha grabbed the phone and screeched, “THE BABY’S FUCKING COMING YOU TURD BURGER!”

You winced. Clint was probably completely deaf now. Another contraction came and Natasha lay back, breathing heavily and crushing your hand. You brought the phone back to your ear. “How much longer will the mission take?” You asked.

“We’re clearing up now.” Clint said. “I can probably convince them to wrap things up more quickly.”

“Well, Nat’s contractions are about five minutes apart so I suggest you up the ante.” You huffed, hanging up and helping Natasha through another contraction.

“He’s coming, right?” Natasha asked. “Oh, god I shouldn’t have yelled-“

“You’re pushing a person out of your body, I think yelling is justified.” You reassured.

“Where’s Thor?”

“Boiling more water.” You grimaced. Thor was the only other person not on the mission which was ridiculous considering Clint was the father but there was nothing that could be done. “Thor?” You yelled.

“COMING, LADY Y/N!” Thor called.

“HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO BOIL A KETTLE?” Natasha shouted.

There was silence and then, “You can boil water in a kettle?”

 

Clint burst into your flat, the Avengers close behind him. Natasha was very nearly ready to give birth and did not need numerous people watching. Clint took over, holding Nat’s hand, and you herded the Avengers out, but it was like herding cats.

Pietro accidentally caught a glimpse of the whole show and fainted, so you made Sam and Steve carry him out. The only person you allowed stay was Bruce, causing Steve to pout.

“But-but-“

“No buts.” You said firmly. “If you want to lay naked and spread eagled for twenty hours in a room full of people, some the opposite sex, and pass a stool in front of all of them, then you can stay.”

Steve blushed furiously but nodded, dragging Tony out as he went.

 

Once both Nat and the baby were cleaned up and made decent, you allowed some of the Avengers to come in from the living room to say hi.

“She’s beautiful.” Sam grinned. “What’s her name?”

Clint and Nat glanced at each other. “Well, we know what her middle name is, we’re just trying to decide her first name.” Clint said.

“I think you should choose.” Natasha said. “I love both the names and it would be easier if you would decide.”

“Uh, okay, say hi to Laura.” Clint said and people awwed, only for Natasha to make a displeased noise. “What?”

“She just doesn’t feel like a Laura.” Natasha sighed.

“What was the other name?” Tony asked.

“Jemimah.”

“Oh great, now she sounds like a Biblical whore.”

“We’re kind of running out of names here, honey.” Clint said, laughing nervously. “Does anyone have any suggestions? Steve?”

Steve shrugged and Sam scoffed. “Oh please, you already know what your kids’ names are gonna be.”

“You do?” You narrowed your eyes.

Steve went slightly pink. “Well, what are they?” Natasha asked.

“Uh, well,” he glanced at you. “For a boy I was thinking James, and for a girl…”

“Yeah?” Clint prompted.

“No it’s… it’s stupid.”

“Go on.” Natasha urged.

“Emilia.”

Natasha blinked. “Wow, um, I totally don’t want that name.”

Steve smiled. “You take it.”

“Are you sure?” Clint looked dubious.

“I’m sure.”

Natasha grinned so hard you thought her face would break. “Everyone, say hello to Emilia Y/n Barton.”

“Hey, Y/n, that’s just like your name.” Pietro said brightly.

 

4.

Bucky was trying very very hard to adjust and he appreciated you trying to help by giving him a recipe book and telling him to go nuts. He was suspicious to begin with but he actually found cooking very soothing.

He’d just finished making brownies when some of the Avengers came back from a mission. Bucky put some on a plate and went to greet them in the living room. “Anyone want a brownie?” He offered.

“I’ll take one.” You took one and bit a part off. Thankfully Bucky’s back was turned when you recoiled at the flavour and texture. “Buck, where did you get these?” You asked.

“I made them.”

You forced a smile. “They’re really yummy.”

“Oh, I also made some biscuits. Does anyone want to try one?” Bucky offered, smiling hopefully.

“Sure.” You shot Steve, Sam, Wanda and Tony a warning glare.

“Yeah, yeah, sounds great.” They murmured, cowed by your glower.

 

“Oh, hi dad... Nothing major, I suppose… You are?... Really?... Laura too?... That’s great! I’ll see you tonight!” You hung up and threw yourself onto the sofa. Your parrot, Zeus, chirped from his cage.

“What’s up?” Steve asked.

“My dad and little sister are passing through. They want to come to dinner. With you and the Avengers.” You mumbled, your face pressed into Steve’s bicep. “I was thinking maybe we shouldn’t tell my dad we’re dating.”

“Why can’t we tell them we’re dating?” Steve frowned in confusion.

“Because I haven’t told him.”

“Why haven’t you told them? Wouldn’t he be happy?”

“Well… I was going to and then… for some reason, I didn’t.”

“Why would he be happy?” Steve pressed.

“Because he doesn’t like you.” You sat up, sighing.

“What? Why?”

“Uh, maybe it’s because you’re really serious or maybe it’s because you’re a bit stubborn, maybe it’s because you’re a bit of a matyr.”

Steve deadpanned. “Is this why he doesn’t like me or why you don’t like me?”

“I’m sorry, Steve, I should’ve told him.”

“No, it’s okay, when he comes over, I will be the perfect gentleman. I will win him over. It can’t be that hard, right?”

 

Steve’s problem’s started when Bucky insisted on making the pudding. “So, what are you making?” Sam asked, Tony close behind.

“A traditional English trifle.” Bucky grinned. “It was in that book Y/n gave me.”

“It looks good.” Tony said genuinely.

“Damn, Barnes, I didn’t think you were this good.” Sam whistled.

“It’s got all of these layers.” Tony said proudly. “First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch,” Tony and Sam looked at each other, impressed. “Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions,” Tony and Sam narrowed their eyes. “Then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!”

“W-What was the one right before bananas?” Sam asked.

“The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know.” Bucky shrugged. “It should be done soon.”

Bucky wandered off to get some rum and Tony dug around for the recipe book. Two of the pages were stuck together and Tony cursed. “Shit, I think Barnes made half an English trifle and half a shepherd’s pie.”

 

Your father was quite a gruff man, blunt, cynical, pessimistic and disrespectful to most people. He also had an incredibly short temper which didn’t endear him to many people. He was also a man of vice and liked to indulge in the drink. Despite this, his heart was in the right place and that was what made him take you in after your mother died when you were ten.

It was a bit of a surprise to both you and your father when Sarah Kinney, a man he’d formed a relationship with, announced she was pregnant. Considering your father didn’t have much intention to have any more children, you were a bit worried. He grudgingly took Laura on when Sarah died in childbirth and you were only fifteen.

Laura was troubled and for a while, would often disregard or defy orders from people in positions of authority. The only person she’d listen to was you.

“Mr Howlett has arrived.” FRIDAY announced as the lift doors opened. Your father stomped in looking rather unamused, Laura holding tightly onto his hand.

“Y/n?” He called, scanning the inhabitants.

You popped up from where you’d been helping Wanda pick up some forks. “Hi dad.” Laura shrieked, practically parkouring over the various sofas and tables and counters to wrap you in a big hug. You laughed and spun Laura around.

“Oh look, it’s my favourite little sister!”

“I’m your only sister!” Laura protested.

“Potato, potah-to.” You shrugged.

“C’mere.” Your dad grunted, pulling you into a hug. “How’ve you been?”

“Good, good. Uh, you remember Steve, right?”

Said super soldier had just wandered over, smiling nervously. “Hi, again.” Steve gave a dorky wave.

“Oh yeah.” Your dad grunted. “The ken doll.”

“Let me take your coat.” Steve took your dad’s coat, practically buzzing from anxiety. “Huh, is it snowing out there?”

“No.” Your dad glared.

 

Sam pulled Tony aside. “Tony, I think we need to tell Bucky about the trifle thing.”

“But vomiting stories are so funny.” Tony whined.

“When everyone tastes the banana-meat thing everyone’s going to make fun of him.” Sam huffed. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

“I suppose.” Tony sighed.

“I’ll talk to them, you distract Barnes.” Sam suggested.

Bucky was humming happily and putting more cream on top when Tony approached. “Hi Stark.” Bucky greeted. “I’m nearly done, don’t worry.”

“I was, uh, actually hoping I could talk to you.” Tony said.

Bucky shrugged and followed Tony to the hallway. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing I was just wondering how you were doing. How you were feeling after everything that happened with the Accords and...”

“Oh, uh, okay I guess.” Bucky said.

 

“Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach.” Sam mimicked rubbing his stomach. “Or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! And smiling, okay?”

Steve squinted at him. “Those acting classes were just money down the drain.”

Bucky and Tony came back in and Bucky went over to the trifle. You stood up and went over to him. “Bucky? This is a traditional English trifle, right?” You asked.

“Uh, yeah.” Bucky smiled proudly. “It is.”

“Now, did you use soy or beef?”

Bucky’s face fell. “Beef.”

“Honey, I’m so sorry, I can’t have any I’m vegetarian.” You said sadly. “But I still think you did a great job.” You smiled and sat back down next to Steve who looked a bit pale.

“Okay, uh, Steve? I want you to have the first taste.” Bucky said, putting a portion down in front of your poor boyfriend.

“Really?”

“Mmmhmm. Remember to take a bite with all the layers.”

Steve obliged, forcing it down. He smiled, rubbing his stomach like Sam suggested. “You know, I think it’s unfair for me to be so selfish. I think everyone should get a piece, especially Tony.”

The billionaire glared at Steve just as Emilia started crying. Natasha was out of her seat in a flash and running to tend to her baby’s needs.

Portions were served and everyone took a bite of their trifle, except you who was looking on trying not to laugh.

“You know, this is so good.” Clint said, clearly lying. “I’m going to go out onto the balcony and enjoy the view while I eat it.” Clint wandered off to the balcony.

“Daddy, can I call my friend Delilah and tell her how good this is?” Laura asked around a mouthful of trifle.

“Sure, honey, I’ll help you dial.” Your dad and sister left the room promptly.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom so I can look in the mirror as I eat it.” Sam said and hurried to the toilet.

The rest of the Avengers made various excuses until only you, Steve and Thor were left. Bucky frowned after everyone. “What was that about? Did they not like it? Let me try some.” Bucky tried to take some from Steve’s plate.

“What? No!” Steve shoved the trifle into his face in record speed. “Sorry, all gone! It was so good, though. Maybe Tony has some?”

Bucky trotted off after the billionaire and Steve gagged. “It tastes like feet!” He complained and you hurried to get him a glass of water.

“I like it.” Thor simply shrugged.

“You’re joking?” You frowned.

“What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.”

 

5.

“$850 for delivery?” Clint screeched in outraged. “The couch only costs $500!”

“Sorry, dude.” The spotty teen shrugged. “Thems the rules.”

“You could blackmail Tony into paying it for you.” You pointed out.

“Well, yeah, but this is just ridiculous! Theft!” Clint scoffed. “I’m not paying that.”

The teen left to get the paper work and you turned to Clint. “So… why did you want me to come sofa shopping with you?”

“Well, I wanted advice on how to propose to Natasha.” Clint said. “Considering you know her best.”

You hummed. “Nothing outrageously massive. No fireworks.”

“But-“

“No fireworks.”

“Oh, okay.” Clint pouted.

“You know, you guys are going to love this couch.” The teen said, returning. Clint signed the paperwork and picked up one end of the sofa.

“Oh, yeah, we’re not together.” You corrected, picking up the other end.

The teen nodded. “Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Something didn’t quite add up.”

Clint frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.” The teen trailed off.

“I’ll have you know that we did sleep together once.” Clint huffed. “We did it seven times.”

You groaned. “Clint, you kept count? You’re such tosser!”

“A tosser you did it with seven times!”

With that, you forced Clint out of the shop.

 

Clint, being the stubborn wanker he was, thought he could carry the sofa up the many flights of stairs himself. He couldn’t even get up one before it slipped and fell off the bottom railing.

You rolled your eyes and went to find help.

“Clint, I’ve got reinforcements.” You declared as you returned.

“You brought Steve?” Clint asked hopefully.

“Uh, no, I brought Sam.”

Clint huffed. “Sam? The next best thing would be Wanda.”

The billionaire scowled. “You know, I would be offended, but Wanda is freakishly strong so…”

“All right.” Clint stretched and picked up one end. They started up the stairs, Clint in the lead with you shortly behind. “Okay, here we go!”

Sam moved forward and was now underneath the sofa as it headed up the first set of stairs.

“All right, ready?” Clint asked.

“Yeah.”

“Turn.”

Sam tried to oblige, straining with the effort. “Okay.”

“Turn! Turn!”

As they turned the sofa, Sam got sandwiched between the railing and the sofa.

“Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!” Sam squawked.

“Clint, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.” You said.

“Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot!” They started up the stairs again with Sam between the sofa and the wall. “Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!” Sam huffed.

They let the sofa drop.

“I can’t believe that didn’t work.” Clint sighed.

“Oh, hey, what did you mean when you said pivot?”

 

+1.

Steve was well aware that you had grown up mostly in England until your mother died and your father, Logan Howlett, took you in. From what he could tell, you’d moved around for a while and eventually settled in Lawrence, Kansas.

Logan didn’t look very happy when Steve turned up on his doorstep. “What do you want, ken doll?”

Steve took a deep breath. “Mr Howlett, I was wondering if I could ask for permission to marry Y/n.”

Your father grunted and stepped aside, gesturing Steve in. He closed the shop door behind him. “Sit down, Ken doll. Want a beer?”

“Um, sure.” Steve took a seat at the counter, Logan sitting behind the counter after he set two beers down.

“Did Y/n ever tell you about her mother?” Logan asked abruptly.

“Uh, not really.”

“Y/n was a surprise. To both of us. Her mother, Rowena, was intelligent. But she was also manipulative and cunning. I’d like to think that, deep down, she cared for Y/n. But she didn’t die.” Logan sighed. “She left. She called me up, saying she was leaving for Y/n’s protection. The next day she was gone and Y/n turned up on my doorstep.”

“She’s had a hard life.” Steve nodded.

“Harder than yours, I’d argue.” Logan snorted. “You went around punching Nazis. Y/n spent half her life with an absent mother, then trying to keep me from killing myself. Than Laura came along and Y/n took more weight than she should’ve. You know, Y/n’s never told me what her life was like in England. But I’ve seen the scars. I’ve seen how she flinches at loud noises.”

“You think her mother…?”

“No.” Logan said eventually. “I think it was something else. Whether she’ll tell me is unlikely. But Ken doll? I have conditions to you marrying my daughter.”

“Name it.”

“I want her happy. If she ever calls me upset over something you did? No one will find your body. If you hurt her in any way, you won’t live to see the next sunrise. If you try and keep her from her friends and family, try and force her to do anything? No one will be able to help you.”

“I don’t doubt you’ll keep your promise. You are a very intimidating man.”

Logan chuckled. “Ha, you’re funny. Not me, ken doll. Y/n. She can take care of herself. Me? I’ll just be there to help clean up the body.”

Steve blanched slightly but nodded. “The last thing I want to do is hurt her. I love her.”

A door in the back opened and a voice called out. “Howlett? Who’s that bike belong to?” A young man emerged from the back. He had sandy blond hair, a leather jacket and green eyes. “Oh, hey.”

“Dean, this is Steve. Or as I like to call him, Ken doll.” Logan grunted. “Dean’s one of my employees.”

“You’re Captain America.” Dean grinned. “I’m Dean Winchester. Your bike’s awesome.”

“Thanks.” Steve smiled. “I should get going.”

 

Steve found you reading a book in the hallway outside your flat. Emilia was cradled in your arms, sleeping soundly. “Hey.” He greeted. “Why are you sat out here?”

“Natasha realised that Clint broke his promise.” You shrugged. “She found out he was eating bacon at my place.”

Steve heard a loud thump, followed by more shouting and he grimaced. “Yikes.”

“I swear she’s like a bloodhound.”

“How long have they been arguing?”

You considered this. “Well, Natasha’s been yelling at Clint for about two hours already.”

“So there’s at least another hour to go.”

“Yep.”

“Oh great.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated :)  
> The MCU timeline is slightly skew whif here, meaning Pepper meets Tony through you and the xmen universe, the Avengers universe and the supernatural universe kinda get squished together


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